Been awhile

Been awhile....I'll tell you how long in lost poundage.....8 pounds from my bday, 6 since my last post! Yippee for me! And no major changes in behavior except eating more fruit and veggies, and much more H2O intake. THat is truly the key. I don't really have much to blog about today. I'm sorry. I did want to share my success though. Only 44.4 more pounds to go. Holy Shmoly. I can do it. Gotta believe to achieve.
xoxo,
Fat Girl

Pre Valentine's Day

Hello to all you fatty readers of mine. I just got in from an Ashtanga Yoga class (hell) and feel a mix of rejuvenation and nauseous at the same time. The compression of organs and fat and boobs really is a workout! But I'm excited in my journey towards wellness and becoming fit.

I start a nursing job on Tuesday. At an alcohol and drug rehabilitation center. For those of you who know me, you'll realize that for 15 summers+ I indirectly was counselor to my drunken irrational Irish boss. What a moron. Compared to him, I hardly think the clients could try my patience or piss me off. I look forward to it. I look forward to a ROUTINE. I look forward to moving out of the food industry, where each night is a test of my will, and each bite is strictly quality control and educational! Ha, what BS.

So, that's the dilly. I'm off for now, gonna play in the snow with my 2 year old. Have a great day, and eat only that which will do your body good.

Peace and namaste!
The Fat Chick

A new day

Having written what I did yesterday I feel a little more compassion towards the fat woman I have become. Having admitted to myself that my life is only about being a parent, I will scold myself a little less when I don't get moving, when I don't look forward to going to the gym. It's like I just need to get up and start slowly, go through the motions each day and one day I'll wake up and feel good about myself. It's not gonna happen overnight. It took a few years to get to this weight.....and it took a long time to become so blase about exercise. Truth of it is, when I don't get excited to exercise like I used to, I feel bad about myself even more. It stagnates. It freezes me up, I don't do a thing. Well, today I'm going to take this day, and this day only, and live it like I'm dying next week. I'm gonna get my ass up in this snow, put on the snow pants and boots and walk on the cliffs. And then I'll visit that spa I spoke of last week. I will do some light exercise and swim. It will feel good. I will feel more alive today than I have in a LONG time. And I won't feel bad that I'm not looking forward to it. I will simply go through the motions. I'll even bring a book to the spa and after I swim I'll lay in a sunny window by the big pool, soak up some moist heat, and lose myself in another world. A world bound by pages and someone else's imagination. A world where I don't have to think about my figure, or beimg a parent, or what life would be like if I left the baby daddy when I should have. Wish me well!
xoxo,
Fat chick

No more day #s

It's been a week since I've blogged. It was a long week. I spent most of it studying for the NCLEX, and thankfully, passing it. I may have been born with a self-care deficit, but I have been blessed with a functioning brain. There's always that.

I've been thinking a lot this week about my life. When exactly did I go from taking care of myself (physically and emotionally) to NOT taking care of myself....and really not caring? I've touched on the "loss factor" and do think there is something there. At some point in my life though I passed through that feeling of loss and found myself on track, feeling good, well-balanced, and in control of myself, what I put in my mouth, how much I drank, how often I exercised. It was going good. For a long time. I surrounded myself with people who were supportive and happy, people who value their physical beings, who participate in group sports, who challenge themselves to compete in races and marathons, who travel and scuba dive and help others to learn to do it too. I lived in a bikini on a boat for fuck's sake. Where did it all turn sour?

I keep revisiting my past relationship. With my son's father. It was a great beginning, but turned sour after I became pregnant. I was weak. I wanted to believe the best, not believe the worst. The late night phone calls, the lock on his phone, the texts from all sorts of women who were just "friends", and after giving birth to his son, the lies, the affair, the lies, lies, and more lies. What the hell was wrong with me? Anyone I talk to about this; "oh, you just wanted to believe, don't beat yourself up about this, it happened, don't make the mistake again....." Yadee, yadee, ya. I was overweight when I got pregnant but certainly not from feeling bad about myself. It was more from happily going out to eat, drinking, and late night pig-out sessions. At my 6 week checkup I was 42 pounds minus my pregnancy weight- 25 pounds lighter than when I became pregnant. Because of my son, I took care of the body that was housing him. I was happy. I was a mother. IF I left his dad then, I honestly believe I would never have gained that final 32 pounds. How often did I know deep in my heart that I was lied to and cheated on, and still stuck by his side? How awful did that make me feel about the person I was? How did it reaffirm that I wasn't worthy of his love and support, nor even worthy of the TRUTH? What was wrong with me that I stayed all that time? I still bounce back and forth with thinking we should be together for our son's sake. How ridiculous. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at that sorrowful person I was for so long. I'm angry at the spiteful and hurtful person I turned into. I'm pissed that I was a weakling, nothing more than a wimp, blindly standing by being lied to and used, wanting nothing more than for him to come back to us, for us to be a family. A scorned woman believing all the stupid bullshit lies. I'm sorry things didn't work out for us, sorry my son has to visit with his dad instead of having a loving father come home to him after his day's work, to tuck him in his bed every night. I'm sorry his father turned out to be such a scumbag, who lied and cheated and robbed from me my self dignity, and stole from all three of us any possibility of ever being a family; living together, loving together, being together through thick and thin. I've lost hope and have lost myself. In so many ways.

This blog hurts to write. Each day I wake and do my best to be the best parent I can be. There's not much more to it for me. It gives me joy. The rest is work. Every day. It makes losing weight difficult. I'll fight it. I'll win. For me.

Day 8

Well folks, sorry I haven't written about my life as a fat woman the past few days. I got drunk, ate way too much crap, and have been feeling terrible for days about eating all that crap I did. Now my clothes really won't fit. I was watching the BATCHELOR last night and noted to my mom, "Hey mom, notice how they never have any fat girls on any of these reality shows except the BIGGEST LOSER?" So, I cursed myself for being fat, never having the opportunity to be a contestant on the show, or to date the gorgeous pitot. I shrugged and thought, "ah well, even if they did encourage fat girls to be on the show, I wouldn't have any suitable clothes to wear." When you're fat you never look presentable unless you rely heavily on accessories, makeup, and well-tailored clothes. I don't. If you're fat, you'll know what I mean. If you're not, why would you ever think about it? I used to go out to dinner in jeans and a t-shirt and feel great about myself, beautiful and presentable. Skinny girls can wear a potato sack and look good. It's ridiculous that I continue to be fat even when:
1. I KNOW how to lose weight
2. I would save so much money on food
3. I would be able to fit in my clothes instead of wearing stretchy pants and oversized sweaters and shirts to "hide" my rolls
4. I would be MUCH happier
5. I may even be able to have sex with someone new to get over my ex, AND enjoy it without thinking about my jelly belly
6. My blood pressure would be within normal limits
7. I would be a better role model for my son

So, 7 reasons to get fit. I must be a moron.

Really Day 7

Ugh! I'm resolved to NOT go on some fad diet. I absolutely refuse to fail yet again at losing. In the past, I've been the most fit when I wasn't dieting....I was LIVING, and not even remotely thinking about dieting. Back at it again. Life is coming together for me once more. I've dropped the dead weight (tee hee, metaphorically speaking), starting fresh, with a new career, and a new roommate to keep my lonely nights sane and entertaining, and free from drunk dialing too.

I'm resolved to exercise for pleasure; not because I "should" but because I want to, because I'm a fit woman who enjoys the outdoors and fresh air. The power of positive thinking is majorly at work here, especially in these 15 degree days. A brisk walk? Hell, you'd damn near freeze if you didn't put some pep in the step! That's me folks. That's where I'm at today. Unfortunately I had to turn down an invitation to the local spa where I could have exercised in the gym, swam some laps, and leisurely recovered in the sauna, steam room, and jacuzzi. Instead, I'm off to sit on my ass with my review books, among the stacks at the library; in 5 days I will be free from the confines of study and exams. Life is gonna begin!

For now,
The Fat Chick

Day 5

How the hell do I write about being fat and trying to overcome it after a night of cheese and crackers, a bottle of wine, an amazing dining experience of seafood chowder, beet salad smothered with gorgonzola and pistachio dressing, skirt steak with panzanella, panko crusted rare sushi-grade tuna with french fries, more wine, creme brulee, fried tapioca, and MORE wine? I can't possible venture into dialogue about loss and eating, or eating to fulfill something lost....what have I lost in the last love relationship? I lost my sense of self, my self esteem, my sanity, lost my entire savings account, my dignity.....HOLY JESUS! If I overeat to compensate for loss, it's no wonder I gained 30 pounds since the birth of my son! I'm in no right mind to ponder this, considering the typos I'm forced to correct as I go. Goodnight, love to all!
THE FAT CHICK

Ola all you blog readers! Today is a good day to be a chubba wubba! There is a happy hour at the local sushi joint and I'm headed there! Ciao for now!

Day 4

Today is the day. The beginning of the rest of my life. Shouldn't I sound more enthusiastic? Shouldn't I have ripped off the covers this morning and shouted out a big "YAHOOOOOOOEEEEEYYYYY! I'm gonna get skinny and healthy this year! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!"? Probably would have been more dramatic and inspiring than my trip to the ol' doc again to have fasting blood work done to check my thyroid, for diabetes, and for perimenopause! How did you spend your birthday? Me? Oh, a fun trip to the doctor and studying for my NYS licensing exam! Is this what aging is all about? Why did I ever want to grow up? Perhaps I'm on to something here; I am not grown up! I guess I must grow up unless I want to end up dead from DVTs and stroking out! Fat sucks. Anyone who tells you any differently is dead wrong. I'm getting on with my life, gonna try not to bitch about growing up, and just walk it out. Enough walks and a closet full of clothes can fit! Wow! Now that's something to do it for. Imagine me living in sweat pants for the rest of my life because I refuse to buy bigger clothes! Lol!

Oh, if any of you readers out there are collecting the Rite Aid Monopoly pieces, I need marker 28 for a Wii game. Wanna trade? Let me know! Lord knows I could use the exercise from the Wii Fit!

Peace out!
The Fat Chick

Day 3

Tomorrow marks my 39th birthday; I'm fat, out of shape, unlucky in love, with high blood pressure and cracked heels. Oh joy. I learned from the doctor today that my weight is at an all-time high. I gained 20 pounds in 9 months, 30 pounds since my son was born, AND the bp medication I had been on didn't help any; it slowed my heart rate, which would have made any type of cardio exercise almost inevitably ineffective. Go figure. The good doc changed my medication, handed me a 1500 calorie/day week's worth of menu ideas and sent me on my merry way. Happy Birthday to me. OH F*&*%'NG JOY.

Have you heard that saying, "anything your mind can perceive you can achieve"? There's something there. I know this to be true because I have always turned to my imagination whenever I've wanted anything in life; whether it be doing that gymnastics routine in high school, acing an exam in Physiology, envisioning unplanned vacations, a new motorcycle, me underwater 200 feet in Bonaire. I always thought about it before it happened, imagined myself achieving, doing, buying. Weight loss however, has slipped through the cracks. I have been failing at it for so long now that I can't even imagine myself succeeding at losing. Winning at losing, winning at losing, winning at losing......sounds funny. I have joined weight watchers at least a dozen times; lost at most 10 pounds, then fell off the program. I have done South Beach twice; lost about 10 pounds, then started celebrating with alcohol and carbs, off the program again. I have done Atkins; lost only 7 pounds on that for 2+ months only to gain it all back plus 10 more bonus pounds when I cheated one day with alcohol, carbs, and lounging around on the couch. WTF??? I've tried Slim Fast, Slim Down, Hydroxycut, Hydro Aquatics, Acai Berry, Oprah's Making the Connection, the 28 day apple fast, liver cleanse, colon cleanse, Body for Life, Diabetic diet, etc, etc, etc, etc...... Perhaps there are two things to be examined more closely here: why do I lose 10 pounds, then feel invincible and "cheat" a little, then allow that little "cheat" to spiral down to total destruction and failure? Why can't I continue to follow whatever it is that's working at the time? Do I think 10 pounds is a success? Hardly a dent in the weight I have to lose now. Gone are the days I weighed 160 and thought, "ugh, I need to lose 15 pounds!" Now it's more like 50 to lose. The number scares me, it's daunting, it means BIG changes, it means I need to totally change everything I know about my routine. The weight has become my friend, part of my being. For long now I am the "girl with the really pretty face".

AND NOW, drum roll please......bigger than I have ever been before! If I had just one more positive experience perhaps I could incorporate it into my minds vision and perceive it, and subsequently achieve it. I must do it. I'll meditate on it tonight, create my mind's vision board, and make 2010 the best yet!

Thanks for reading,
The Fat Chick

Day 2

IF you are reading this blog I assume one of three things to be true; that you are a fellow fat chick, a man trying to score a fat chick by getting familiar with the mind workings of a fat chick, OR one of THOSE just looking how the other half lives. Whatever the reason, I thank you for your interest.

Last night my mother asked me, "Who has been telling your son that he's fat?" Mind reeling, worry building, I racked my brain trying to figure out when he would have ever heard the word "fat". We don't watch television, I never call myself fat out loud, and to make it all more confusing, my 2 1/2 year old isn't fat. I make sure on a daily basis that he doesn't indulge in sweets, too many carbs, or junk food. I DON'T want my son living the hell I did as a child. You see, I was always a big girl. From the time my father died when I was four years old I stuffed my face. I mostly recall overeating at my grandmother's house on Sundays. When she couldn't give us back what we really wanted, being our father, she gave us love with sweets and treats and chips and dips. I ate chips with sour cream dip, cookies, cakes, ice pops, kool-aid, cheese and crackers, salami and sausages, THEN had a dinner of meat and potatoes. This was a once a week affair. I ate more crap in one day than I should have eaten in one week alone. My mother, having drunk her shared sorrow with a shared bottle of scotch would stop during our night drive home at the bagel store to sober up I assume, and my dessert would be a salted bagel with extra butter. It was our ritual. In my grief, there was nothing more satisfying.

Last nightI stayed away from the bread warmer, although it wasn't easy. The whipped butter with added sea salt and roasted garlic was calling my name. I served a family who had just lost their father/husband/son; a 50 year old man who died of cancer. They too, overindulged in alcohol and food. The sorrow-food connection is definitely one I need to examine closely in my future weight loss adventure. The bread remained untouched, but the white chocolate macadamia cookies were PERFECT!

Til manana,
The Fat Chick

Day 1

I watched on Oprah a man who lost 250 pounds! Can you imagine that? What do you do with your fat when you love your life? Most people who lose substantial amounts of weight begin a weight loss journey and diet and exercise routine because they hate life. What about the person who knows that they must lose weight but just really enjoys their life as it is. I was an exercise addict years ago, completed triathlons (Sprint triathlons, half distances than traditional triathlons of course. NO long distances for this woman), followed Bill Philips BODY FOR LIFE for 14 weeks and ended up with 18% body fat, and considered myself fit and athletic. WHAT HAPPENED??????? I never stopped loving food, I never stopped wanting to eat.

I commit myself to the next 3 months of daily blogging, examining my motivation for getting fat and keeping this weight on, regardless of failed attempt after failed attempt and whatever diet struck me at the time. I'll ponder things tonight at work, try to stear clear of the bread warmer, and let you know what I come up with tomorrow.

xoxo love to you all,
The Fat Chick