Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 3

Tomorrow marks my 39th birthday; I'm fat, out of shape, unlucky in love, with high blood pressure and cracked heels. Oh joy. I learned from the doctor today that my weight is at an all-time high. I gained 20 pounds in 9 months, 30 pounds since my son was born, AND the bp medication I had been on didn't help any; it slowed my heart rate, which would have made any type of cardio exercise almost inevitably ineffective. Go figure. The good doc changed my medication, handed me a 1500 calorie/day week's worth of menu ideas and sent me on my merry way. Happy Birthday to me. OH F*&*%'NG JOY.

Have you heard that saying, "anything your mind can perceive you can achieve"? There's something there. I know this to be true because I have always turned to my imagination whenever I've wanted anything in life; whether it be doing that gymnastics routine in high school, acing an exam in Physiology, envisioning unplanned vacations, a new motorcycle, me underwater 200 feet in Bonaire. I always thought about it before it happened, imagined myself achieving, doing, buying. Weight loss however, has slipped through the cracks. I have been failing at it for so long now that I can't even imagine myself succeeding at losing. Winning at losing, winning at losing, winning at losing......sounds funny. I have joined weight watchers at least a dozen times; lost at most 10 pounds, then fell off the program. I have done South Beach twice; lost about 10 pounds, then started celebrating with alcohol and carbs, off the program again. I have done Atkins; lost only 7 pounds on that for 2+ months only to gain it all back plus 10 more bonus pounds when I cheated one day with alcohol, carbs, and lounging around on the couch. WTF??? I've tried Slim Fast, Slim Down, Hydroxycut, Hydro Aquatics, Acai Berry, Oprah's Making the Connection, the 28 day apple fast, liver cleanse, colon cleanse, Body for Life, Diabetic diet, etc, etc, etc, etc...... Perhaps there are two things to be examined more closely here: why do I lose 10 pounds, then feel invincible and "cheat" a little, then allow that little "cheat" to spiral down to total destruction and failure? Why can't I continue to follow whatever it is that's working at the time? Do I think 10 pounds is a success? Hardly a dent in the weight I have to lose now. Gone are the days I weighed 160 and thought, "ugh, I need to lose 15 pounds!" Now it's more like 50 to lose. The number scares me, it's daunting, it means BIG changes, it means I need to totally change everything I know about my routine. The weight has become my friend, part of my being. For long now I am the "girl with the really pretty face".

AND NOW, drum roll please......bigger than I have ever been before! If I had just one more positive experience perhaps I could incorporate it into my minds vision and perceive it, and subsequently achieve it. I must do it. I'll meditate on it tonight, create my mind's vision board, and make 2010 the best yet!

Thanks for reading,
The Fat Chick

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