Friday, February 26, 2010

Been awhile

Been awhile....I'll tell you how long in lost poundage.....8 pounds from my bday, 6 since my last post! Yippee for me! And no major changes in behavior except eating more fruit and veggies, and much more H2O intake. THat is truly the key. I don't really have much to blog about today. I'm sorry. I did want to share my success though. Only 44.4 more pounds to go. Holy Shmoly. I can do it. Gotta believe to achieve.
Fat Girl

Friday, February 12, 2010

Pre Valentine's Day

Hello to all you fatty readers of mine. I just got in from an Ashtanga Yoga class (hell) and feel a mix of rejuvenation and nauseous at the same time. The compression of organs and fat and boobs really is a workout! But I'm excited in my journey towards wellness and becoming fit.

I start a nursing job on Tuesday. At an alcohol and drug rehabilitation center. For those of you who know me, you'll realize that for 15 summers+ I indirectly was counselor to my drunken irrational Irish boss. What a moron. Compared to him, I hardly think the clients could try my patience or piss me off. I look forward to it. I look forward to a ROUTINE. I look forward to moving out of the food industry, where each night is a test of my will, and each bite is strictly quality control and educational! Ha, what BS.

So, that's the dilly. I'm off for now, gonna play in the snow with my 2 year old. Have a great day, and eat only that which will do your body good.

Peace and namaste!
The Fat Chick

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A new day

Having written what I did yesterday I feel a little more compassion towards the fat woman I have become. Having admitted to myself that my life is only about being a parent, I will scold myself a little less when I don't get moving, when I don't look forward to going to the gym. It's like I just need to get up and start slowly, go through the motions each day and one day I'll wake up and feel good about myself. It's not gonna happen overnight. It took a few years to get to this weight.....and it took a long time to become so blase about exercise. Truth of it is, when I don't get excited to exercise like I used to, I feel bad about myself even more. It stagnates. It freezes me up, I don't do a thing. Well, today I'm going to take this day, and this day only, and live it like I'm dying next week. I'm gonna get my ass up in this snow, put on the snow pants and boots and walk on the cliffs. And then I'll visit that spa I spoke of last week. I will do some light exercise and swim. It will feel good. I will feel more alive today than I have in a LONG time. And I won't feel bad that I'm not looking forward to it. I will simply go through the motions. I'll even bring a book to the spa and after I swim I'll lay in a sunny window by the big pool, soak up some moist heat, and lose myself in another world. A world bound by pages and someone else's imagination. A world where I don't have to think about my figure, or beimg a parent, or what life would be like if I left the baby daddy when I should have. Wish me well!
Fat chick

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

No more day #s

It's been a week since I've blogged. It was a long week. I spent most of it studying for the NCLEX, and thankfully, passing it. I may have been born with a self-care deficit, but I have been blessed with a functioning brain. There's always that.

I've been thinking a lot this week about my life. When exactly did I go from taking care of myself (physically and emotionally) to NOT taking care of myself....and really not caring? I've touched on the "loss factor" and do think there is something there. At some point in my life though I passed through that feeling of loss and found myself on track, feeling good, well-balanced, and in control of myself, what I put in my mouth, how much I drank, how often I exercised. It was going good. For a long time. I surrounded myself with people who were supportive and happy, people who value their physical beings, who participate in group sports, who challenge themselves to compete in races and marathons, who travel and scuba dive and help others to learn to do it too. I lived in a bikini on a boat for fuck's sake. Where did it all turn sour?

I keep revisiting my past relationship. With my son's father. It was a great beginning, but turned sour after I became pregnant. I was weak. I wanted to believe the best, not believe the worst. The late night phone calls, the lock on his phone, the texts from all sorts of women who were just "friends", and after giving birth to his son, the lies, the affair, the lies, lies, and more lies. What the hell was wrong with me? Anyone I talk to about this; "oh, you just wanted to believe, don't beat yourself up about this, it happened, don't make the mistake again....." Yadee, yadee, ya. I was overweight when I got pregnant but certainly not from feeling bad about myself. It was more from happily going out to eat, drinking, and late night pig-out sessions. At my 6 week checkup I was 42 pounds minus my pregnancy weight- 25 pounds lighter than when I became pregnant. Because of my son, I took care of the body that was housing him. I was happy. I was a mother. IF I left his dad then, I honestly believe I would never have gained that final 32 pounds. How often did I know deep in my heart that I was lied to and cheated on, and still stuck by his side? How awful did that make me feel about the person I was? How did it reaffirm that I wasn't worthy of his love and support, nor even worthy of the TRUTH? What was wrong with me that I stayed all that time? I still bounce back and forth with thinking we should be together for our son's sake. How ridiculous. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at that sorrowful person I was for so long. I'm angry at the spiteful and hurtful person I turned into. I'm pissed that I was a weakling, nothing more than a wimp, blindly standing by being lied to and used, wanting nothing more than for him to come back to us, for us to be a family. A scorned woman believing all the stupid bullshit lies. I'm sorry things didn't work out for us, sorry my son has to visit with his dad instead of having a loving father come home to him after his day's work, to tuck him in his bed every night. I'm sorry his father turned out to be such a scumbag, who lied and cheated and robbed from me my self dignity, and stole from all three of us any possibility of ever being a family; living together, loving together, being together through thick and thin. I've lost hope and have lost myself. In so many ways.

This blog hurts to write. Each day I wake and do my best to be the best parent I can be. There's not much more to it for me. It gives me joy. The rest is work. Every day. It makes losing weight difficult. I'll fight it. I'll win. For me.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 8

Well folks, sorry I haven't written about my life as a fat woman the past few days. I got drunk, ate way too much crap, and have been feeling terrible for days about eating all that crap I did. Now my clothes really won't fit. I was watching the BATCHELOR last night and noted to my mom, "Hey mom, notice how they never have any fat girls on any of these reality shows except the BIGGEST LOSER?" So, I cursed myself for being fat, never having the opportunity to be a contestant on the show, or to date the gorgeous pitot. I shrugged and thought, "ah well, even if they did encourage fat girls to be on the show, I wouldn't have any suitable clothes to wear." When you're fat you never look presentable unless you rely heavily on accessories, makeup, and well-tailored clothes. I don't. If you're fat, you'll know what I mean. If you're not, why would you ever think about it? I used to go out to dinner in jeans and a t-shirt and feel great about myself, beautiful and presentable. Skinny girls can wear a potato sack and look good. It's ridiculous that I continue to be fat even when:
1. I KNOW how to lose weight
2. I would save so much money on food
3. I would be able to fit in my clothes instead of wearing stretchy pants and oversized sweaters and shirts to "hide" my rolls
4. I would be MUCH happier
5. I may even be able to have sex with someone new to get over my ex, AND enjoy it without thinking about my jelly belly
6. My blood pressure would be within normal limits
7. I would be a better role model for my son

So, 7 reasons to get fit. I must be a moron.