Saturday, January 30, 2010

Really Day 7

Ugh! I'm resolved to NOT go on some fad diet. I absolutely refuse to fail yet again at losing. In the past, I've been the most fit when I wasn't dieting....I was LIVING, and not even remotely thinking about dieting. Back at it again. Life is coming together for me once more. I've dropped the dead weight (tee hee, metaphorically speaking), starting fresh, with a new career, and a new roommate to keep my lonely nights sane and entertaining, and free from drunk dialing too.

I'm resolved to exercise for pleasure; not because I "should" but because I want to, because I'm a fit woman who enjoys the outdoors and fresh air. The power of positive thinking is majorly at work here, especially in these 15 degree days. A brisk walk? Hell, you'd damn near freeze if you didn't put some pep in the step! That's me folks. That's where I'm at today. Unfortunately I had to turn down an invitation to the local spa where I could have exercised in the gym, swam some laps, and leisurely recovered in the sauna, steam room, and jacuzzi. Instead, I'm off to sit on my ass with my review books, among the stacks at the library; in 5 days I will be free from the confines of study and exams. Life is gonna begin!

For now,
The Fat Chick

Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 5

How the hell do I write about being fat and trying to overcome it after a night of cheese and crackers, a bottle of wine, an amazing dining experience of seafood chowder, beet salad smothered with gorgonzola and pistachio dressing, skirt steak with panzanella, panko crusted rare sushi-grade tuna with french fries, more wine, creme brulee, fried tapioca, and MORE wine? I can't possible venture into dialogue about loss and eating, or eating to fulfill something lost....what have I lost in the last love relationship? I lost my sense of self, my self esteem, my sanity, lost my entire savings account, my dignity.....HOLY JESUS! If I overeat to compensate for loss, it's no wonder I gained 30 pounds since the birth of my son! I'm in no right mind to ponder this, considering the typos I'm forced to correct as I go. Goodnight, love to all!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ola all you blog readers! Today is a good day to be a chubba wubba! There is a happy hour at the local sushi joint and I'm headed there! Ciao for now!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 4

Today is the day. The beginning of the rest of my life. Shouldn't I sound more enthusiastic? Shouldn't I have ripped off the covers this morning and shouted out a big "YAHOOOOOOOEEEEEYYYYY! I'm gonna get skinny and healthy this year! THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!"? Probably would have been more dramatic and inspiring than my trip to the ol' doc again to have fasting blood work done to check my thyroid, for diabetes, and for perimenopause! How did you spend your birthday? Me? Oh, a fun trip to the doctor and studying for my NYS licensing exam! Is this what aging is all about? Why did I ever want to grow up? Perhaps I'm on to something here; I am not grown up! I guess I must grow up unless I want to end up dead from DVTs and stroking out! Fat sucks. Anyone who tells you any differently is dead wrong. I'm getting on with my life, gonna try not to bitch about growing up, and just walk it out. Enough walks and a closet full of clothes can fit! Wow! Now that's something to do it for. Imagine me living in sweat pants for the rest of my life because I refuse to buy bigger clothes! Lol!

Oh, if any of you readers out there are collecting the Rite Aid Monopoly pieces, I need marker 28 for a Wii game. Wanna trade? Let me know! Lord knows I could use the exercise from the Wii Fit!

Peace out!
The Fat Chick

Monday, January 25, 2010

Day 3

Tomorrow marks my 39th birthday; I'm fat, out of shape, unlucky in love, with high blood pressure and cracked heels. Oh joy. I learned from the doctor today that my weight is at an all-time high. I gained 20 pounds in 9 months, 30 pounds since my son was born, AND the bp medication I had been on didn't help any; it slowed my heart rate, which would have made any type of cardio exercise almost inevitably ineffective. Go figure. The good doc changed my medication, handed me a 1500 calorie/day week's worth of menu ideas and sent me on my merry way. Happy Birthday to me. OH F*&*%'NG JOY.

Have you heard that saying, "anything your mind can perceive you can achieve"? There's something there. I know this to be true because I have always turned to my imagination whenever I've wanted anything in life; whether it be doing that gymnastics routine in high school, acing an exam in Physiology, envisioning unplanned vacations, a new motorcycle, me underwater 200 feet in Bonaire. I always thought about it before it happened, imagined myself achieving, doing, buying. Weight loss however, has slipped through the cracks. I have been failing at it for so long now that I can't even imagine myself succeeding at losing. Winning at losing, winning at losing, winning at losing......sounds funny. I have joined weight watchers at least a dozen times; lost at most 10 pounds, then fell off the program. I have done South Beach twice; lost about 10 pounds, then started celebrating with alcohol and carbs, off the program again. I have done Atkins; lost only 7 pounds on that for 2+ months only to gain it all back plus 10 more bonus pounds when I cheated one day with alcohol, carbs, and lounging around on the couch. WTF??? I've tried Slim Fast, Slim Down, Hydroxycut, Hydro Aquatics, Acai Berry, Oprah's Making the Connection, the 28 day apple fast, liver cleanse, colon cleanse, Body for Life, Diabetic diet, etc, etc, etc, etc...... Perhaps there are two things to be examined more closely here: why do I lose 10 pounds, then feel invincible and "cheat" a little, then allow that little "cheat" to spiral down to total destruction and failure? Why can't I continue to follow whatever it is that's working at the time? Do I think 10 pounds is a success? Hardly a dent in the weight I have to lose now. Gone are the days I weighed 160 and thought, "ugh, I need to lose 15 pounds!" Now it's more like 50 to lose. The number scares me, it's daunting, it means BIG changes, it means I need to totally change everything I know about my routine. The weight has become my friend, part of my being. For long now I am the "girl with the really pretty face".

AND NOW, drum roll please......bigger than I have ever been before! If I had just one more positive experience perhaps I could incorporate it into my minds vision and perceive it, and subsequently achieve it. I must do it. I'll meditate on it tonight, create my mind's vision board, and make 2010 the best yet!

Thanks for reading,
The Fat Chick

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Day 2

IF you are reading this blog I assume one of three things to be true; that you are a fellow fat chick, a man trying to score a fat chick by getting familiar with the mind workings of a fat chick, OR one of THOSE just looking how the other half lives. Whatever the reason, I thank you for your interest.

Last night my mother asked me, "Who has been telling your son that he's fat?" Mind reeling, worry building, I racked my brain trying to figure out when he would have ever heard the word "fat". We don't watch television, I never call myself fat out loud, and to make it all more confusing, my 2 1/2 year old isn't fat. I make sure on a daily basis that he doesn't indulge in sweets, too many carbs, or junk food. I DON'T want my son living the hell I did as a child. You see, I was always a big girl. From the time my father died when I was four years old I stuffed my face. I mostly recall overeating at my grandmother's house on Sundays. When she couldn't give us back what we really wanted, being our father, she gave us love with sweets and treats and chips and dips. I ate chips with sour cream dip, cookies, cakes, ice pops, kool-aid, cheese and crackers, salami and sausages, THEN had a dinner of meat and potatoes. This was a once a week affair. I ate more crap in one day than I should have eaten in one week alone. My mother, having drunk her shared sorrow with a shared bottle of scotch would stop during our night drive home at the bagel store to sober up I assume, and my dessert would be a salted bagel with extra butter. It was our ritual. In my grief, there was nothing more satisfying.

Last nightI stayed away from the bread warmer, although it wasn't easy. The whipped butter with added sea salt and roasted garlic was calling my name. I served a family who had just lost their father/husband/son; a 50 year old man who died of cancer. They too, overindulged in alcohol and food. The sorrow-food connection is definitely one I need to examine closely in my future weight loss adventure. The bread remained untouched, but the white chocolate macadamia cookies were PERFECT!

Til manana,
The Fat Chick

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Day 1

I watched on Oprah a man who lost 250 pounds! Can you imagine that? What do you do with your fat when you love your life? Most people who lose substantial amounts of weight begin a weight loss journey and diet and exercise routine because they hate life. What about the person who knows that they must lose weight but just really enjoys their life as it is. I was an exercise addict years ago, completed triathlons (Sprint triathlons, half distances than traditional triathlons of course. NO long distances for this woman), followed Bill Philips BODY FOR LIFE for 14 weeks and ended up with 18% body fat, and considered myself fit and athletic. WHAT HAPPENED??????? I never stopped loving food, I never stopped wanting to eat.

I commit myself to the next 3 months of daily blogging, examining my motivation for getting fat and keeping this weight on, regardless of failed attempt after failed attempt and whatever diet struck me at the time. I'll ponder things tonight at work, try to stear clear of the bread warmer, and let you know what I come up with tomorrow.

xoxo love to you all,
The Fat Chick